Journey To Totality

April 11, 2019 Stepping out onto blind faith is difficult for me yet today I did. I was told to make a job out of a job of writing my book . Out of careful prayer and consideration I made that firm decision to move forward with my book.... I am going to be honest with y'all that today I have felt peace for the first time in my life moreover, a total peace of mind. I'm actually relieved to have made this concious decision to move forward with this for somehow I feel like this is my calling.  You see, God didn't preserve my life for no reason for there is a reason and that is to reach the masses and to reach the drug dealer, drug addict,  prostitute, gangsters and even the pimps or someone who is in the gay lifestyle and victims of molestation and rape.  I came from all of it and I am the only girl that survived all of that that I was out there with in that type of a lifestyle and got out to only turn to the gay lifestyle for my extreme fear of being intimate with a guy....

Trying to find my true identity as Karla has been a nightmare in my life for when I was a child I was stripped of my innocence and it has been a real challenge for me. Being that I said all of that I have a mental illness/ disorder that I rarely talk about. I was diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder at the age of sixteen years old and all I know is a true empty feeling of not feeling like I am not enough.  That is a very classic symptom of bpd.  My borderline personality disorder was much more worse when I was younger. I was abused by men and I was groomed as a child to be someone's meal ticket so it comes to no surprise that I ended up in the business of prostitution when I was a young teenager.  I was taught that I was only worth something if I could satisfy a man's needs. I confused love for sex. A second sign of borderline personality disorder is a extreme fear of interpersonal relationships and yet I went to great lengths to build relationships with...

As I'm sitting here all I can do is be really transparent and say that I am in a awful lot of pain emotionally right now. I feel as if I got this anguishing pain about having my innocence and virginity taken away from me by my selfish and perverted father. It's as if I have not let it totally go even after the fact that I wrote a letter to him. All evening it's as if I'm being haunted and tormented by him all over again.  I know that I am supposed to forgive him however I just can't work myself through the process at this point at time... Then to come to terms with my father and his deacons and elders exploiting me to make money for the church and them. Then to have someone to wonder how I could pick up the business so quickly? All I can say is that I learned it well. I was turned out realistically by my father and his deacons and elders first before I made some sleaze bucket their money. I have been used all of my life and I in essence was a meal ticket.  I'...

These days we watch so much garbage on TV and movies and we think " oh that won't happen to me " or " it is just a TV show or a movie " . Let's not forget pornography either! The more we watch the more Satan has gotten a foot hold into out hearts, desires and more importantly our minds.  The delusions which are lies become so strong that we are now chasing the illusions. Satan works first by putting lies into our minds and here we are chasing the illusions that's all called instant gratification! I'm going to tell my Testimony as it exactly is tonight.  First I was a child and I was being molested by my adopted father who happens to be a Baptist pastor and he was a pervert in nature and he took his perversion out on me and it became both of our reality, his being a predator and mine a victim of sexual perversion.  Then not only did it become reality but it became torturous for me to the point where I ran away from home and I fell into the hands of a...

Short of twenty four hours ago I was preparing for the biggest thing ever that I had to do. I was watching a scope on Periscope and there was a drawing of balloons in the sky and flowers and a fire. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and asked me how much longer I was going to hold onto a major resentment and pain that my father put me through? I had enough of holding onto it once and for all I was going to take the cotton out of my ears and shut my mouth and listen! I was told to write my resentments on paper and burn it and write a letter to my father and to forgive him.  I did then I went to the store and bought a balloon and flowers and I was told to go up to the mountains and tie the letter to the ballon and to let go of it and I did and when I did that I felt the needless guilt and shame that I was carrying inside of me totally gone. I did this at three am Saturday and I now feel so liberated and I feel so relieved! I usually have flashbacks everyday and I have had not one!!! God...

This is quite a different post than you have seen however it's a letter to my father to forgive him for what he did to me. Dear Father; I'm writing this letter for I am hurt and angry with you for taking my innocence at the age of three years old and my very first memory of my life was of you fondling me in the bathtub.  That was sick for I was a little innocent baby being traumatized by you. It wasn't just a one time occurrence either! I was so traumatized by the molestation that happened to me that I didn't even speak for the first eight years of my life and mom took me to Boys and girls town National Institute in Omaha for the reasons that she believed that I was autistic and I was diagnosed with autism at four years old.  I was not autistic,  for it was all for the simple fact that I was severely traumatized by you and you thought that I was autistic and I was not so you used a “ handicap “ against me so I would not say anything. I have reasons to t...