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PAIN.....

As I'm sitting here all I can do is be really transparent and say that I am in a awful lot of pain emotionally right now. I feel as if I got this anguishing pain about having my innocence and virginity taken away from me by my selfish and perverted father.
It's as if I have not let it totally go even after the fact that I wrote a letter to him. All evening it's as if I'm being haunted and tormented by him all over again.  I know that I am supposed to forgive him however I just can't work myself through the process at this point at time...
Then to come to terms with my father and his deacons and elders exploiting me to make money for the church and them. Then to have someone to wonder how I could pick up the business so quickly? All I can say is that I learned it well. I was turned out realistically by my father and his deacons and elders first before I made some sleaze bucket their money. I have been used all of my life and I in essence was a meal ticket. 
I'm tired of just because I am saved to say oh God knows and all of these feel good statements.  I am in pain so I'm being real honest with how I feel.  It seems like I have dealt with sexual trauma all of my life to where I have a job that deals with it. It seems like a dark cloud is over me and I'm being suffocated by it. I love my job however it is hard for me to sit there and watch some woman get raped. I guess I am to be where I am right now. 
Journey to Totality ( Karla  )

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