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Baptism Within

Trying to find my true identity as Karla has been a nightmare in my life for when I was a child I was stripped of my innocence and it has been a real challenge for me. Being that I said all of that I have a mental illness/ disorder that I rarely talk about. I was diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder at the age of sixteen years old and all I know is a true empty feeling of not feeling like I am not enough.  That is a very classic symptom of bpd.  My borderline personality disorder was much more worse when I was younger. I was abused by men and I was groomed as a child to be someone's meal ticket so it comes to no surprise that I ended up in the business of prostitution when I was a young teenager.  I was taught that I was only worth something if I could satisfy a man's needs. I confused love for sex.
A second sign of borderline personality disorder is a extreme fear of interpersonal relationships and yet I went to great lengths to build relationships with others at the high price of myself.  With having borderline personality disorder it's a very classic example of I hate you please don't leave me.  I stayed in abusive situations for I didn't want to be alone.
With me I have been grasping for straws all of my life to fit in with others yet I have never been successful of it even to this day.  I was bound for self destruction from trying to commit suicide thirty two times and being a former drug addict and prostitute and I just got saved by the Lord Jesus Christ and I just got out of the gay lifestyle as well.  As one can see that I have had a very distorted sense of identity and feeling like I didn't matter and it was quite easy for me to lose myself in other people. I have never had a clear sense of identity within myself.
There's a scripture in the bible 2 Corinthians 5: 17 says; Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone,the new has come!
I'm going to be honest with you and I have had a hard time wrapping my head around this exact scripture for it is dealing with the old identity of the carnal world and a new identity in Christ.
I got baptized today. Baptism is a outer expression of our decision to follow Christ but baptism only goes so far if I'm not willing to be honest with myself and others and realize that I am being delivered on a daily basis.  My point is that it's impearative that I must be washed clean from the inside to match my outside.  I still am struggling with my new identity in Christ, however today I am closer to it than I was.
Karla L.  Pierce

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